I got an email for one of my incest abusers. I had flashbacks of how he abused me. I was eight years old when he told me with frustration that he has not had sex in 8 years. I was seven when he told me that his ‘manly’ needs are not met. I was nine years old when my other incest abuser, his wife at the time, told me to understand his ‘manly’ needs and forced me to be comfortable to be touched by him after he attempted and succeeded to invade my physical privacy as I changed my clothes. I did not want to talk to him ever since he forced the bathroom door open to see my twin sister showering when none of us had reached puberty. We were too young and his wife enabled him. If anything, his wife was angry that I ignored her husband. His wife touched me too and did not let me change in my own room.
He said a red nail color would look sexy in me. I was eight. He said that if he was a boy my age he would have a crush on me. He said I am prettier and more attractive than all the girls in my primary school. He told me to clean my genitalia very carefully to prevent over pigmentation. Yes, as a kid, I felt sexualized. Yes, I felt obligated to be comfortable around him. I had no one to save me. I had no parents that would take me. I did not know what to do. No one believed me.
I was seven or nine years old when he asked if I ever seen a grown man’s genitalia. Obviously I said I have not. He said, “you have to see it. It looks different than a boy’s genitalia”.
I did not wake up today wishing that I face another flashbacks but here I am facing some this evening. This is depressing.
Maybe people think I am strong, but I won’t describe myself as such. I am scared, not everyday but I can have intense episodes of fear and tension. This morning, I reflected upon why I am tensed when I interact with some women.
I notice a pattern. These women look like my abuser. Since the pandemic, everything went online. I have my own office, with a diffuser, my favorite playlist and soft LED lights. It’s a pretty little office that I decorated according to my own taste. I spend a lot of time in here. Studying, online volunteering, reflecting, etc.
I like to wear night satin sleep gown in my office, because it is comfortable. My satin night gown is very thin.. I have a sweater in case I feel cold in my office. When I have an episode, like 20 mins ago, I would be crying and cover my skin as much as possible because if I see my skin, I would be reminded of the sexual abuse that I went through.
I am postponing my study session. Until I am okay. I will resume.
Flashback: Warden used to wear her panties while playing on her ipad all day, everyday. She said that she has so many things in her head so she needs to wind down. Thing is, she wind down all day, everyday. She would lay on her stomach in her bedroom and she would wear panties in front of me. She would order me what to do while not sending me to school though she had means to do so.
I was not in school, I was doing the chores for the apartment along with my twin sister. She forced me to be comfortable to change my clothes in front of her. She stared at me changing my clothes.
She is still around, facing no legal repercussions
There were times in my life where the only thing that bridges me to life was a pair of ears. I had moments in life where I have brought myself to suicide. Child abuse survivors need a support system. Need consistency. This is about repairing an upbringing. It does not take a day, it does not take one person, it takes willing, time, a strong support system too.
My journey of re-parenting myself requires outside help too. I do dwell for extrinsic things yes, because I am aware of my own limitations. I can be frustrated with my limitations. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to re-parent a child that has been abused. May take more than a village.
Sometimes I feel like people only love me based on the idea that I am not broken. I am injured, physically and mentally from about 2 decades of abuse. None of it is my fault.