Tag: ptsddiaries

DAY 37

on By

CW: Description of abuse, child abuse

When I hit puberty, warden said that she would only buy a bra if I give her evidence that I do need a bra. This obviously involves being topless in front of her. I did not want to but I had to because otherwise, she would not get me a bra. She never let me choose which bra fits me most. She always chose them for me and they were always been sports bra. I am not sure why she always lean towards sports bra. She said that I should wear bras so my breasts stay perky. She compared my breasts to my twin sister’s. She made opinions about my breasts and their growth.

She is a pervert who offends a child and that child was me. I had nowhere to go. I was emotionally manipulated to think that she is the best mother on earth. I did not know any better because I had no comparison or idea of what normal parents would do because I have never been allowed to make friends and socialize.

This is the flashback I had since yesterday and it was hard to concentrate on anything. I was depressed yesterday. I can’t believe someone like this still live three blocks away from me. I can’t believe how her sister does not even stand up TO her.

Please. Stand up TO the perpetrator. No parents should abuse their child. Parents should provide security and protection not being the main threat to their mental and physical well-being.

Where did my father go? Why did he not see this? All those years I was abused, he could sleep and not think about me? Spending his days with his daughter and his wife. Dad, how were you able to sleep at night not knowing if I was ok or if I was alive? Why did you leave me when I was 2.5 years old? You did not leave your daughter when she was 2.5 years old. Why? Why did not you do anything when I told you that the warden physically abuse me?

It is not the children’s fault that they are abused. Please stand up with the child. Children don’t lie about who abuse them.

DAY 35

on By

I have been told that I can reach out. I did reach out. I reached out to my father, to my uncle, to my grandmother, to psychologists. But also I am told to reconstruct myself alone. How? Which one do I follow? I have been dealing with a criminal for as long as I can remember and yet no one is reporting her to the police. No one tried to save me from the abuse. The adults around me were to busy with their own affairs. The adults around me, today, are busy trying to defend themselves. They defend something indefensible.

Is it normal for me to expect that an abuser who has committed crimes be prosecuted? If it is normal then why no one is prosecuting her? Why people try to stop me? What did I do? I never ran over a homeless man in my car, I never abused my mother by forcing her to sleep outside. Why people stop me? Why don’t people stop HER? What is wrong with people I talk to?

She abused her ex husband, committing marriage fraud, kicked me out until I almost got raped and somehow I am the one being told to stop? Stop what? Stop speaking up for myself? Stop standing up to what is right? Stop standing up to justice? Justice is not done alone. It takes more than myself. I almost died, I was so near to death because of Warden and somehow I am told to:

  1. Move to another city
  2. Forgive and forget
  3. Look at the positives

And yet this criminal walk around the city as much as she likes. It is sickening me, truly. It’s despicable. I can’t believe my reality. I can’t believe how messed up this is. I am trying to put myself together, hence this blog entry.

People said they care but .. I have never been saved. I got bruises, again and again, I saw my mother being beaten up, again and again. No one did anything. Where was the adults around me? Where did common sense went? Where were the adults when I needed them the most? They were not there.

DAY 33

on By

I am so traumatized. It is very easy for my anxious mind to create some absurd realities. Fear-based reality. My mind is alert all the time, almost anxious all the time. I grind my teeth in my sleep, so much that my partner worried if I would break my teeth and the noise disturbs his sleep.

I enjoy cognitive therapies. I like identifying my cognitive distortions. One of the most frequent ones is ‘Mind Reading’. I assume those around me think like my Warden. I assume those I deal with think exactly like her. Love is earned and has to be maintained, imperfections can lead to inhumane treatments, etc. The harm Warden caused during my upbringing cannot be underestimated. I am not sure how long this lasts. I am trying my best deal with myself.

DAY 32

on By

Had a flashback earlier today. When I was 7, Warden used to ask for my arm to be pinched. She did this when she gets angry. I recalled some moments in the car where she asked my twin sister to give out her arm so that Warden can pinch it. It’s not really ‘asking’. We never had a choice to not give our arms. So my twin sister gave out her arm to Warden and warden pinched her and that second she burst in tears and screams in pain. I yelled to Warden that what she did is violent and that she is hurting my twin sister. Did she say sorry? No. She yelled at me not to defend my twin sister. She expects me to be calm seeing my twin sister being pinched until she left with bruises.

I tried to sleep off my flashback but I could not make it less intense than what it is. This is why I update my blog. I want the world to understand the impacts of Warden’s abuse to me. I never reported her to the police. Maybe I should, but I have no mental energy to do so. Blog is my best option to date.

DAY 29

on By

I had moments in my childhood where I thought that parents are always right. Warden told me that she is always right. She has an endless need of being praised. It makes me think that she has no self-esteem at all. Thing is, she also does not seem to be able to show empathy. Warden told me that she is good at memorizing, she is good at school, she is so accomplished, etc. When I was little I thought that she is perfect. When I was younger and telling people that I am abused, no one talked to her. Relatives told me that I should be faithful to her and that she does not have empathy to me because she never had her own baby. Now, why would a child needs to be understanding to the abuser? A child needs to be safe, away from abuse. My anger towards those who told me to be understanding to my violent Warden would not solve anything. I should however articulate that I am disappointed with many of my relatives.

I learn a lesson that when a child confide in you, it is on their best interest that you listen and trust them.

DAY 27

on By

I gave up the religion I was born with when I was thirteen years old. On a morning walk alone, I thought, ‘what if there is no God?’. Being raised by two religiously academic couple, I have maintained a religious routine for a while. 99% of people in the country I was raised in are religious. I read books authored by religious scholars. The question I asked to myself was very incisive, considering that I am on top of my class in religious studies. I explored my mind through that question. Long story short, at age fifteen, I told my sister that I consider myself to be an agnostic.

My journey to become an agnostic, breaking free from the dogmas of religion that were placed in me was life-changing. This is when I discovered that I have a strong inclination to natural sciences. I don’t condemn those who hold religious beliefs, to each their own.

Now what makes me confused this morning is.. Why is it easier to liberate my mind from religious moral standards and philosophies than to liberate my mind from the trap of excruciating memories I had when growing up? I did not choose to be religious, nor choose to be raised by someone with a deranged mind. I was religious as soon as I came out of my mother’s belly and I was in Warden’s care since I was 2.5 years old.

Someday I will understand.

DAY 26

on By

Being away from Warden rebuilds my self-esteem and sense of self. In my life, I never had my own room. Never had a time for myself. I am thrilled to discover myself. I see hopes, I see self-compassion. I see a bright future. I give up my desire to find a closure with my warden. I don’t need an explanation. She has too much problems and the best thing I can do is to focus on myself, my dreams and my hopes.

She does not deserve my thoughts. Perhaps the future entries will be focused on me, to what extent I am affected by her. I’m not sure yet. I would not restrict myself by plans. Well, not for these entries at least.

DAY 25

on By

CW: Description of violence

As a kid, I heard some things from Warden that I would never forget. One of the things she said to me was that she forced an old man to buy her papers. Verbally insulted a poor homeless old man to buy papers from her. Did she show any remorse? No. Did she regret this? No. In fact she told me that this is how much she needed to sacrifice. Now, I was aware that she completed her masters at this point, with no student debts, no mortgages, no loans to pay so I am not quite sure why she was driving around carrying papers to be recycled.

Her father bought a car, a house and paid her education. She worked for a multinational company a decade prior to the incident. She is able to be violent towards a stranger, an innocent, homeless old man, stole his money while driving a car. What was on her head? If she did sacrifice than should not she at least attempted to find a decent job? She managed to hold a reasonably good position at a company, a desk job, a usual 9 to 5 job. Why not apply to other companies?

Sometimes I wonder if she is wanted by local police officials. Some people may believe that she is not capable of hurting strangers. I witnessed three by my own eyes before I even reached ten years old.

I envy those who believes that my warden is not capable of physically, mentally and financially hurting others. I wish that was true. I wish I never witnessed what she did. I wish I never knew. I wish I can see her as a person who is incapable of violence, like how some people view her.

She physically attacked a woman who lied to her husband about the business opportunity. Her husband was rather trusting and he admits this. One afternoon, she pulled her car to the side of the road. She got out of the car, she physically attacked this woman in front of my eyes. I sat in the car and I was scared. It was horrible.

DAY 24

on By

Warden spent her days laying on the bed, on her stomach, play video games on her ipad for about 8 hours a day or more. She had a lot of money from the inheritance. I asked her why she did not help me to do house chores, also expressed my concern that she plays games too often and too long.

She said, “I am an adult and I have so many things on my mind. I deserve a break”. This break lasted about six years. This is how she would spend her day from when I turned 11 to when I turned 17. Me and my twin sister were the ones who would prepare her meals. I would laundry all her clothes and clean the bathroom. We were her servants from the day her husband goes abroad.

I could have been in school but two years within that six years, I was ‘homeschooled’. This is because I had to teach myself every subjects I took in school. She did not help me, she yells, fights, shouts, being violent and play games all day. She lies. She lies to everyone that she teaches me. She never did. I taught myself sciences, mathematics, history, religious studies from grade 6 to grade 8. Lucky enough I managed to achieve well on my national exams.

I asked her to move me to formal school but she never allowed me to go to a formal school since her husband goes abroad. She had enough money to send me to a school with good teachers. Not only I was forced to stay inside the building, I was not allowed to make friends. She would take my phone and check all my conversations. I had two friends, both lived just across our apartment unit.

Unfortunately the friendship did not last. I never had fights with them. Warden took my phone and insulted my friends. Obviously, their parents thought it was me who did it and so they never allowed my friends to talk to me since. I never had a chance to explain them that it was Warden who sent the verbal insults.

DAY 22

on By

I asked my warden, “Why is it so hard to maintain peace with you?”.

Obviously she did not answer. Obviously she thinks everything is my fault even when my right arm has bruises from her. The log I created reveals that she have burst of anger every single day.

I keep a list of what made Warden angry, because I never recognized the pattern of her temperament. I tried to study her, see how frequent she would shout and be violent also what caused them.

I kept a log for about a year. The log tells me that she would be angry for almost everything. Any trivial things could turn into a drama. You could compliment her looks and she would be angry and turn violent towards you. You could grab some cutlery while she is in the kitchen and that would turn into a huge drama. There is no pattern, her violence cannot be prevented.

This left people who are closest to her to struggle just to love her. It is difficult, if not impossible to maintain a relationship with her. It is easy to like her when you are at a certain distance. Do not get closer.

This is perhaps the most useful insight I have gained from years of observation.

This made me go into a cycle.

  1. I am in desperate need for a mother figure, so I view her as a mother.
  2. There will be conflicts and drama, out of pretty much everything, I will try to de-escalate.
  3. She will give silent treatments after being abusive, I will be heartbroken, betrayed. Silent treatment can last for two weeks.
  4. My heart is broken and I would be reminded that she is not suitable for being a mother figure.
  5. I long for a mother
  6. Repeat to #1.

I still would consider myself to be mother deprived, I don’t always know how to deal with this. It is a loss, I haven’t recovered from it. This is my first and last heartbreak of my life. I long for a mother. Not a perfect mother, but at least not abusive and antisocial.