I am so traumatized. It is very easy for my anxious mind to create some absurd realities. Fear-based reality. My mind is alert all the time, almost anxious all the time. I grind my teeth in my sleep, so much that my partner worried if I would break my teeth and the noise disturbs his sleep.
I enjoy cognitive therapies. I like identifying my cognitive distortions. One of the most frequent ones is ‘Mind Reading’. I assume those around me think like my Warden. I assume those I deal with think exactly like her. Love is earned and has to be maintained, imperfections can lead to inhumane treatments, etc. The harm Warden caused during my upbringing cannot be underestimated. I am not sure how long this lasts. I am trying my best deal with myself.
Being away from Warden rebuilds my self-esteem and sense of self. In my life, I never had my own room. Never had a time for myself. I am thrilled to discover myself. I see hopes, I see self-compassion. I see a bright future. I give up my desire to find a closure with my warden. I don’t need an explanation. She has too much problems and the best thing I can do is to focus on myself, my dreams and my hopes.
She does not deserve my thoughts. Perhaps the future entries will be focused on me, to what extent I am affected by her. I’m not sure yet. I would not restrict myself by plans. Well, not for these entries at least.
Warden spent her days laying on the bed, on her stomach, play video games on her ipad for about 8 hours a day or more. She had a lot of money from the inheritance. I asked her why she did not help me to do house chores, also expressed my concern that she plays games too often and too long.
She said, “I am an adult and I have so many things on my mind. I deserve a break”. This break lasted about six years. This is how she would spend her day from when I turned 11 to when I turned 17. Me and my twin sister were the ones who would prepare her meals. I would laundry all her clothes and clean the bathroom. We were her servants from the day her husband goes abroad.
I could have been in school but two years within that six years, I was ‘homeschooled’. This is because I had to teach myself every subjects I took in school. She did not help me, she yells, fights, shouts, being violent and play games all day. She lies. She lies to everyone that she teaches me. She never did. I taught myself sciences, mathematics, history, religious studies from grade 6 to grade 8. Lucky enough I managed to achieve well on my national exams.
I asked her to move me to formal school but she never allowed me to go to a formal school since her husband goes abroad. She had enough money to send me to a school with good teachers. Not only I was forced to stay inside the building, I was not allowed to make friends. She would take my phone and check all my conversations. I had two friends, both lived just across our apartment unit.
Unfortunately the friendship did not last. I never had fights with them. Warden took my phone and insulted my friends. Obviously, their parents thought it was me who did it and so they never allowed my friends to talk to me since. I never had a chance to explain them that it was Warden who sent the verbal insults.