One Entry per Day
DAY 39
Be Tough I told you not to abuse me but you said I have to be tough. How tough you want me to be? Tough enough to hear that you think I’d rather be dead? I am not tough. I can be wounded and from that wound, I learn that I must never say the…
DAY 38
CW: Description of child abuse. You said that the only thing that matters is your anger, That I should not be sad, but you shout so loud that my ears were incapable to decipher your anger into words. You frightened me down to my particles, How dare you said that I should not cry? My…
DAY 37
CW: Description of abuse, child abuse When I hit puberty, warden said that she would only buy a bra if I give her evidence that I do need a bra. This obviously involves being topless in front of her. I did not want to but I had to because otherwise, she would not get me…
DAY 36
CW: Covert incest abuse I got an email for one of my incest abusers. I had flashbacks of how he abused me. I was eight years old when he told me with frustration that he has not had sex in 8 years. I was seven when he told me that his ‘manly’ needs are not…
DAY 35
TW: Sexual abuse, flashbacks, ptsd Maybe people think I am strong, but I won’t describe myself as such. I am scared, not everyday but I can have intense episodes of fear and tension. This morning, I reflected upon why I am tensed when I interact with some women. I notice a pattern. These women look…
DAY 34
CW: Description of sexual abuse. Flashback: Warden used to wear her panties while playing on her ipad all day, everyday. She said that she has so many things in her head so she needs to wind down. Thing is, she wind down all day, everyday. She would lay on her stomach in her bedroom and…
DAY 35
I have been told that I can reach out. I did reach out. I reached out to my father, to my uncle, to my grandmother, to psychologists. But also I am told to reconstruct myself alone. How? Which one do I follow? I have been dealing with a criminal for as long as I can…
DAY 34
There were times in my life where the only thing that bridges me to life was a pair of ears. I had moments in life where I have brought myself to suicide. Child abuse survivors need a support system. Need consistency. This is about repairing an upbringing. It does not take a day, it does…
DAY 33
I am so traumatized. It is very easy for my anxious mind to create some absurd realities. Fear-based reality. My mind is alert all the time, almost anxious all the time. I grind my teeth in my sleep, so much that my partner worried if I would break my teeth and the noise disturbs his…
DAY 32
Had a flashback earlier today. When I was 7, Warden used to ask for my arm to be pinched. She did this when she gets angry. I recalled some moments in the car where she asked my twin sister to give out her arm so that Warden can pinch it. It’s not really ‘asking’. We…
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The Hypervigilant Child 