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One Entry per Day

DAY 34

CW: Description of sexual abuse. Flashback: Warden used to wear her panties while playing on her ipad all day, everyday. She said that she has so many things in her head so she needs to wind down. Thing is, she wind down all day, everyday. She would lay on her stomach in her bedroom and […]

DAY 35

I have been told that I can reach out. I did reach out. I reached out to my father, to my uncle, to my grandmother, to psychologists. But also I am told to reconstruct myself alone. How? Which one do I follow? I have been dealing with a criminal for as long as I can […]

DAY 34

There were times in my life where the only thing that bridges me to life was a pair of ears. I had moments in life where I have brought myself to suicide. Child abuse survivors need a support system. Need consistency. This is about repairing an upbringing. It does not take a day, it does […]

DAY 33

I am so traumatized. It is very easy for my anxious mind to create some absurd realities. Fear-based reality. My mind is alert all the time, almost anxious all the time. I grind my teeth in my sleep, so much that my partner worried if I would break my teeth and the noise disturbs his […]

DAY 32

Had a flashback earlier today. When I was 7, Warden used to ask for my arm to be pinched. She did this when she gets angry. I recalled some moments in the car where she asked my twin sister to give out her arm so that Warden can pinch it. It’s not really ‘asking’. We […]

DAY 31

When I was five years old, Warden used to tickle me on the bed. It got to the point where it felt like a torture. She would tickle me, so hard and so long that I cried beneath my involuntary laughs. She would say, ‘Say I beg for mercy, please’. This memory is very uncomfortable […]

DAY 30

You know, sometimes I wonder if this healing takes a lifetime. I am young, I have dreams and I have plans for my future. I certainly did not plan to have to take an antidepressant, or going in and out of a psychologist’s office. Pills and appointments are not sufficient for my healing. I do […]

DAY 29

I had moments in my childhood where I thought that parents are always right. Warden told me that she is always right. She has an endless need of being praised. It makes me think that she has no self-esteem at all. Thing is, she also does not seem to be able to show empathy. Warden […]

DAY 28

Having flashbacks is exhausting. I spend about two hours per day writing and practicing cognitive restructuring. It is a constant work. Think of having a farm with chores to do. I don’t have a farm. I had a sour childhood. It takes all in me to work on it. I have two kinds of chores. […]

DAY 27

I gave up the religion I was born with when I was thirteen years old. On a morning walk alone, I thought, ‘what if there is no God?’. Being raised by two religiously academic couple, I have maintained a religious routine for a while. 99% of people in the country I was raised in are […]

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