DAY 30

You know, sometimes I wonder if this healing takes a lifetime. I am young, I have dreams and I have plans for my future. I certainly did not plan to have to take an antidepressant, or going in and out of a psychologist’s office. Pills and appointments are not sufficient for my healing. I do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I exercise too. I eat healthy. What am I doing wrong? Am I going on an upward trend? I hope so. Is it selfish for me to wish that my healing process is much faster?

I am re-parenting myself, but sometimes I wish I have a mother that I could embrace. I wish I had a mother that has different point of views than me. I am mother-deprived. I had moments where I imagined being able to make some software, perhaps a robot, and it is able to be my mother. I never felt like I have a mother. To me, Warden is an adult, a violent woman who just happens to have control over me. I never understood the comfort of confiding to a mother. I never was able to confide to Warden. She confided to me since I was five.

I will probably feel sad as long as I wish to have a mother.

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