Having flashbacks is exhausting. I spend about two hours per day writing and practicing cognitive restructuring. It is a constant work. Think of having a farm with chores to do. I don’t have a farm. I had a sour childhood. It takes all in me to work on it. I have two kinds of chores. Normal people chores and traumatic adult survivor chores. I do laundries, putting dishes away, clean the room, make my bed, like an average adult would do too. The traumatic adult survivor chores include but not limited to; Warm baths, gym, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, grounding practices, blogging, meditation and writing diaries. Sometimes I wonder, ‘to what extent does this blog helps?’. I am a person too, I can get tired, I can have burnouts. My thing is stress. My tolerance to stress is so low that a small amount can easily make me dysfunctional almost for the whole day. Have I talked to a psychologist? Yes. I have a privilege for unlimited consultations.
I tried to stop blogging. I was pausing for less than 10 days. Flashbacks return, the whole sour, sad memories return. When will all these things subside? It feels like being in a tunnel with no end. Here I am back to blogging. Can these excruciating memories just.. pouf gone?Never come back until my last breath? I would love to do many things in my spare time than having to tame my brain from excruciating flashbacks.