DAY 22

I asked my warden, “Why is it so hard to maintain peace with you?”.

Obviously she did not answer. Obviously she thinks everything is my fault even when my right arm has bruises from her. The log I created reveals that she have burst of anger every single day.

I keep a list of what made Warden angry, because I never recognized the pattern of her temperament. I tried to study her, see how frequent she would shout and be violent also what caused them.

I kept a log for about a year. The log tells me that she would be angry for almost everything. Any trivial things could turn into a drama. You could compliment her looks and she would be angry and turn violent towards you. You could grab some cutlery while she is in the kitchen and that would turn into a huge drama. There is no pattern, her violence cannot be prevented.

This left people who are closest to her to struggle just to love her. It is difficult, if not impossible to maintain a relationship with her. It is easy to like her when you are at a certain distance. Do not get closer.

This is perhaps the most useful insight I have gained from years of observation.

This made me go into a cycle.

1. I am in desperate need for a mother figure, so I view her as a mother.
2. There will be conflicts and drama, out of pretty much everything, I will try to de-escalate.
3. She will give silent treatments after being abusive, I will be heartbroken, betrayed. Silent treatment can last for two weeks.
4. My heart is broken and I would be reminded that she is not suitable for being a mother figure.
5. I long for a mother
6. Repeat to #1.

I still would consider myself to be mother deprived, I don’t always know how to deal with this. It is a loss, I haven’t recovered from it. This is my first and last heartbreak of my life. I long for a mother. Not a perfect mother, but at least not abusive and antisocial.