At some point maybe it will be good to write good memories with Mrs. Warden. I would not rush myself to write them. Blogging project is doing well. I am keeping my momentum.
I was having a bath when the flashback came to me. My eyes were enjoying the sparkly reflection of my bath water. The reflection moves so beautifully. Depending what my finger does to the water, it can create an illusion of little waves. I felt the warm water splashed to my shoulders. I made little waves on the bath tub. It was rather relaxing and satisfying.
The wave of the bath water goes back and forth, sometimes to different directions. All depends on what my feet does under the water.
The beach would be very cold by now. To my recollections, I quite enjoy days where I could swim on the beach. I would sit and enjoy the waves that rock my body or push me backwards. This is a pleasant imagery until your mind starts to recall that you were not only pushed backwards by the waves in the beach but also by a monstrous Mrs. Warden when she tries to test how much you memorize things for your tests.
I had all these recollections in the bath tub earlier today. I guess these recollections inspire this blog entry.
When you have a traumatic childhood, even a pleasant beach day memories could turn into an unpleasant abuse memories.
She shook my body that her nails scratches my arms. That was my punishment for forgetting some trivial things before my tests. She would shout and made countdown from 5 to 0 and if I made a mistake, she would shout even louder and call me names. For her, review in the morning where I have tests has to be perfect. No flaws, no errors. I am not exaggerating. It happens that she made mistakes. She would just let it go if it was hers.
I am one of those people who would perform even worst under stress. The more mistakes I make, the more stress she would inflict upon me.
The Hypervigilant Child 